set me free, leave me be
by SilentMuse.x
Summary: ONE-SHOT. Jesse's hold on Rachel was never diminished and now, she wants him to let her go. Angst with a dash of fluffiness.


**A/N: **Jesse might seem a bit OOC. (Characterization is one of my weaknesses.) A few grammar mistakes might show up, and a few spelling (God forbid) mistakes too but this was not read for a second time (because I might cringe and decide to not post this up) and I don't have a beta reader. But I had one of those moments in the shipping life where the realization that one-half of your ship might not return to the show and you have this sort of 'emotional turmoil' moment where you feel hopeless and just bury yourself in fantasies until a plot bunny shows up.

**Note to Ryan Murphy**: It's illegal in the Spring Awakening world to reunite the original Melchior Gabor and Wendla Bergmann and fill us with the fantasy that this is them (Melchior & Wendla) getting their second chance and just decide that original!Melchior might not come back next season. For us SA fans to _consider _paroling you, bring back JGroff next season. But if you want immediate parole, make him a series regular. Kthnx.

* * *

_Set me free, leave me be_

_I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity_

_Here I am and I stand so tall, I'm just the way I'm supposed to be_

_But you're on to me and all over me_

_Gravity ; Sara Bareilles_

When he tells her, she doesn't scream. She doesn't cry. She didn't throw things. She didn't hit him or slap him. She didn't sing to express how she felt. She didn't act like the drama queen he thought her to be.

She kept quiet. Her mouth was tightened into a straight line – silent. Her eyes were blank as he tried to search for some sort of emotion. The only indication that he saw that she was still there was the slight tightening hold she had on her bag.

Somehow, he knew that if she did something, it would hurt less.

Instead, she stood up from her seat and walked past him.

"I wish you didn't come into my life, Jesse St. James," she whispered coldly, as if she was telling it to herself rather to him.

Then she walked out of the auditorium and out of his life.

* * *

The next time he sees her, it was when he gathered his school papers after school hours to transfer back to Carmel High. He passed by the auditorium and couldn't resist the urge to peek in. (It wasn't so he could spy on them, of course. Jesse liked to believe that he had higher morals than that despite everything he did.)

They were rehearsing for Regionals, of course. Finn was back as the male lead. (Despite himself, Jesse smirked at the thought of all the solos that he got over Finn over his short stay at New Directions.)

Their dance moves were mediocre, Jesse noted. _Like always_, he added in his thoughts. At some points, he could feel himself cringing at their synchronization – or lack of it. But that wasn't the first thing that he noticed.

Rachel, who was usually so full of life, looked like she was mildly distracted. She put an unreasonable distance between her and Finn with her hands never lingering long enough on him. But she continued on dancing and singing at the top of her lungs, ignoring the worried looks her partner kept giving her.

_If it was me with her,_ Jesse thought. _I would have already stopped this rehearsal and pulled her to the side to talk to her without even asking her what was wrong. Because with Rachel, I always knew what was wrong._

Jesse felt a surge of pride at the thought that he was the only one who would fully know Rachel Berry but his pride deflated when he realized that he was _what's wrong _with her.

He knew he should leave, and not let her see him. But he couldn't tear his eyes away. (Not at their choreography of course, because like he said, their dancing was _mediocre_.)

But it was like she could feel that someone was watching her when she suddenly stopped dancing and glanced at his direction. Her expression didn't change but her eyes sent a silent plea. (Yes, even in silence she had a lot to say.)

Despite their distance, he could read her message _clearly_. (That was how much he knew her. How much they were alike.)

_Leave_.

And so he did.

* * *

They won Regionals. The thought barely registered in his head as he went up the stage and collected their _First Place _trophy. He shook hands withsomeone whose name he didn't bother to know.

All the while he felt disappointed.

Not at himself, of course. Jesse St. James was never disappointed in himself. He thought of himself as perfection, never a failure. He was never inadequate.

_Except with Rachel_, his mind told him. _That was why you were so angry with her about the video. Because she made __**the **__Jesse St. James feel inadequate._

His hold on the trophy tightened severely at his thoughts. And as he saw Rachel exchange smile with that thick-headed jock whose name he would not speak of, he swore he heard something crack.

It was then that Shelby decided that the trophy was not safe in his hands.

* * *

If there was one thing that Jesse St. James was afraid of, it was lightning. There was just something about that quick and bright light in the skies that alarmed him. But strangely enough, it also fascinated him. He would often look out of his window, after a bolt of lightning had come and gone, and wait for another one to appear. And when it did, he would jump back in surprise. Thunder didn't bother him. Aftermaths never did. (Except for the aftermath of their break-up, of course.)

Truth to be told, as cheesy as it would sound, Rachel Berry was his lightning.

Rachel Berry fascinated him and scared him. She captured him with his voice and those quick hints of shyness that she showed whenever she let her "I'm Rachel Berry and I'm going to be a star" attitude down for quick moments. She scared him because of the way she was slowly fascinating him that he felt like he was going to let his future slip away.

But of course, he was Jesse St. James and Jesse St. James didn't let himself get distracted from his goals. (Even though once, _make Rachel Berry happy_, was one of his goals.)

And much like lightning, when Rachel Berry goes you wouldn't know when she would appear again. And you would just stare out your window and wait with much anticipation for her to come back.

And with Rachel Berry, the anticipation hurt like hell. (Though Jesse St. James would never admit it out loud.) But even though it did, he never stopped anticipating. He became masochistic, as if his emotional turmoil justified what he did.

And as ironic as it was, the moment he was about to step out of Carmel High after he had talked to Shelby, a flash of lightning made him jump back. As he stared at the bright bolt of lightning that lightened up the otherwise dark sky, he didn't even notice the harsh rain until he took a step out and the drops of water showered down his head.

"Scared of lightning huh?" a small voice uttered.

Jesse snapped his head to the right and saw a soaking wet Rachel Berry sitting on one of the waiting benches near the entrance. "Rachel, what are you--?"

"Don't talk," Rachel said, holding a shaky hand out.

"How long have you been out here?" Jesse asked as he walked over to her and abandoned his book bag by the entrance. He sat next to her and took note of her shaking form, and her blue lips.

"I honestly don't know," Rachel said as she let out a shaky laugh. "I didn't even know if you were going to be here. I guess it was stupid of me to even go here without thinking it over." Jesse sighed and removed his jacket to drape it over her shoulders. She shrugged it off and told him _no_. Jesse was persistent and she seemed too tired to argue. "Stop being nice to me, Jesse. You have no reason to be anymore."

"Rachel…" he started but she cut him off.

"Just stop okay? _Stop_," Rachel said in anger. Jesse could almost let out a sigh of relief but stopped himself as she looked at him with water-filled eyes. Whether it was the rain or tears, he didn't know. "You want to know why I foolishly came here waiting for someone who may or may not be there? You want to know why I'm under this _blasted _rain, knowing I could probably catch pneumonia and lose my voice in the process?"

"Why?" he asked even though it was completely unnecessary.

"Because I want you to let me go," Rachel said softly as she looked away. "I want you to cut off all the strings that are keeping me connected with you. Because I can't _do this _anymore. I can't keep on wondering why I was never enough reason for you to transfer to McKinley – why you had to have a hidden agenda."

"Rachel…" he tried to say but she kept on going.

"Just let me go, Jesse. I'm begging you." Jesse cringed as he heard her voice break on her last word. Rachel Berry never begged. She found out ways on how she could get what she wanted without begging. "I can't do this anymore. I can't keep on comparing Finn to you. I can't keep on thinking about how our voices perfectly harmonized each other. I can't… I just can't."

"And you think that if I cut all the strings, you would stop doing that?" Jesse asked.

"I have to try," Rachel said firmly. "If this is your way of taking revenge for bruising your ego by triple-casting you with Finn and Noah with that video…"

"My _ego _wasn't the one that was bruised, Rachel!" Jesse suddenly burst out.

Rachel snorted in a very unladylike manner. Something Jesse was sure she would never _ever _do when there were other people present. "And what was bruised, Jesse? Your _heart_?"

"So what if it was, Rachel?" Jesse asked as he stood up from the bench and stared down at her. He didn't even mind the biting cold anymore. All he could feel was the relief of having the chance to tell her how he really felt.

"You had a hidden _agenda_!" Rachel said, throwing her hands in the air. "You had a goal and I know that you always kept your mind on the goal. You never let anything distract you. And I was the distraction that you pushed aside. How could I possibly believe that you really did develop feelings for me when I was the distraction to your goal?"

"Rachel, I'm _driven_," Jesse said exasperatedly. "Sure, I focus too much on my goal at times but that doesn't mean that I'm heartless. I have a heart, Rachel. A heart that you broke when you made me feel inadequate!"

"And how do you think I felt when I found out that I wasn't reason enough for you to transfer schools?" Rachel asked angrily. "I'm sure that what I felt had a heavier magnitude than how you felt!"

Jesse fought the urge to shout. Instead, he ran a hand through his hair and tugged at it. They just stared at each other quietly until she broke the silence.

"If this is your way of taking revenge for breaking your heart," Rachel said quietly, revising what she said earlier. "You can stop now. You've done enough damage." Jesse sighed as he sat next to her. Despite herself, she leaned her head on his shoulders. "Stop now, please. Let me go, Jesse. Set me free."

Jesse sighed as his hand stroked her cheek affectionately.

The message in his silence was clear to her.

_I can't_.

"Why not?" she asked stubbornly.

Jesse sighed. _Because I want to be selfish and keep you to myself_. _I want to keep this hold on you. _He told her silently.

Instead, he merely said, "I don't want you to be my lightning, Rachel."

And she understood.

* * *

**A/N: **I really didn't know how to end it so I ended it with one of the cheesiest lines I have _ever ever _written.


End file.
